I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. And this is EXACTLY why I had numbed myself down in the first place. Who does he think he is? A god? Well he's not man, that's for sure. He's more confusing than a teenage girl, and I should know how that is. He has got to be the most immature 26 year old I've ever met. No matter what happened, whether it was bad or benign, I was always the one at fault. He picked fights and blamed me for things over which I had no control. I suffered, and apparently so did he, but over text it was difficult to tell exactly how sincere the words were.
Yes, it was completely overt text. Everything. I tried to call, he wouldn't pick up. I'd leave a voicemail so he could at least hear how angry I was and hear what I had to say from my own mouth, not just reading. And what did he do? Sent another angry text that kept the conversation going in circles. His assumptions were too numerous to count, and they were ALWAYS wrong. I'm not even exagerating. Always. The whole relationship was bullshit. All of it. Every single moment, I realize now, he was lying to himself. I can see it now. His actions, though they still make no sense, were forced. What he wanted and what I wanted were completely different things, and he fooled himself into thinking we could meet on some middle ground. I was just along for the ride, trying to see what he could, trying to find a reason to hold on and keep my faith in him alive. Every single day there was another argument, and we weren't even together. Pathetic. It was such a waste of time I can't even...Jesus Christ. This stupid, stupid boy. In total oblivion, he will live alone. He doesn't see it, but there's a reason why he's always stressed and lonely and distraught and tired. The outside world has a part, I agree, but now that I have insight into his behavior and thought process I can see now the reality is that he is just making himself miserable. And the sad part is, he may never know.
I could only try to tell him so many times, and yet it was my fault each and every time. Even with all this disdain in my blood and agony in my heart, I pray that for his sake he will come to realize it soon. It really wasn't me all along. I never promised anything, unlike he who used all the lines in the book.
If I pray hard enough will he see what he's doing to himself and all of the other girls he's "loved"? Or should I say pronounced himself a lover to? And ultimately, would he forgive me? Or do I even care? I pray, for your sake, you learn that arguing with someone is not the same as talking to a wall, nor will it have the same result: you being right. If he weren't the victor, no one was. He would even say that sometimes, saying "well then neither of us win" or "this is pointless" or "you gotta earn my trust" after I had done nothing to deserve any of those comments. There was no admitting defeat from him, so I would every once in awhile in my humility just to move past it.
For someone who claims to be a humble servant of God, I have never seen such a front, such insecurity as I have in him, and I am a 19 year old female. Just this fact should have significant increase on the impact of my words.
For goodness sake, get your act together, boy. You want to have a serious relationship? Then you've got plenty of growing up to do.
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