I'm Back?

I came to this website to Rant and Rave, type my heart out, not realizing I had already started a blog over a decade ago. No followers or readers, but that's ok. I didn't start this with the intentions of gaining a following. I just wanted somewhere to vent quickly and because I love the feeling of typing. I'll leave the old posts up just for the archives. Not sure if I'm brave enough to go back and read them yet. From what I can tell of the titles, I was struggling with romantic relationships in my old, 19-year-old way. I've grown since then in so many ways, especially in the ways I handle romantic relationships.

Updates: I now live with my partner of one year. He and I have been through the wringer to get to this point (I'll write a post about all that later), and we're more solid and in love than any relationship I've ever been in. We have a Pit Bull Terrier named Hela and a little house in Savannah that we've crafted into a psychedelic, gothic, nerdy space to suit our personalities. I'm happy with where I'm at but still struggling with the depression, anxiety, head trauma, and secret ADHD. My healthcare plan is pretty good so I intend to get solid help on those things. We'll see.

Random Fact

I am medically allergic to the cold. The correct diagnosis is called Raynaud's Phenomenon

Good Lord Please Save Him

I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. And this is EXACTLY why I had numbed myself down in the first place. Who does he think he is? A god? Well he's not man, that's for sure. He's more confusing than a teenage girl, and I should know how that is. He has got to be the most immature 26 year old I've ever met. No matter what happened, whether it was bad or benign, I was always the one at fault. He picked fights and blamed me for things over which I had no control. I suffered, and apparently so did he, but over text it was difficult to tell exactly how sincere the words were.

Yes, it was completely overt text. Everything. I tried to call, he wouldn't pick up. I'd leave a voicemail so he could at least hear how angry I was and hear what I had to say from my own mouth, not just reading. And what did he do? Sent another angry text that kept the conversation going in circles. His assumptions were too numerous to count, and they were ALWAYS wrong. I'm not even exagerating. Always. The whole relationship was bullshit. All of it. Every single moment, I realize now, he was lying to himself. I can see it now. His actions, though they still make no sense, were forced. What he wanted and what I wanted were completely different things, and he fooled himself into thinking we could meet on some middle ground. I was just along for the ride, trying to see what he could, trying to find a reason to hold on and keep my faith in him alive. Every single day there was another argument, and we weren't even together. Pathetic. It was such a waste of time I can't even...Jesus Christ. This stupid, stupid boy. In total oblivion, he will live alone. He doesn't see it, but there's a reason why he's always stressed and lonely and distraught and tired. The outside world has a part, I agree, but now that I have insight into his behavior and thought process I can see now the reality is that he is just making himself miserable. And the sad part is, he may never know.

I could only try to tell him so many times, and yet it was my fault each and every time. Even with all this disdain in my blood and agony in my heart, I pray that for his sake he will come to realize it soon. It really wasn't me all along. I never promised anything, unlike he who used all the lines in the book.

If I pray hard enough will he see what he's doing to himself and all of the other girls he's "loved"? Or should I say pronounced himself a lover to? And ultimately, would he forgive me? Or do I even care? I pray, for your sake, you learn that arguing with someone is not the same as talking to a wall, nor will it have the same result: you being right. If he weren't the victor, no one was. He would even say that sometimes, saying "well then neither of us win" or "this is pointless" or "you gotta earn my trust" after I had done nothing to deserve any of those comments. There was no admitting defeat from him, so I would every once in awhile in my humility just to move past it.

For someone who claims to be a humble servant of God, I have never seen such a front, such insecurity as I have in him, and I am a 19 year old female. Just this fact should have significant increase on the impact of my words.

For goodness sake, get your act together, boy. You want to have a serious relationship? Then you've got plenty of growing up to do.

He's gone and I gotta learn to close my heart again. It was so easy before, moving along as nothing phased me. Why would he ask me to stay awhile if he planned to head out all along?

Here. Go for It. Take Your Leave and Sprint Nowhere.

Today the blues came in. August and September were crunching the alphabet again but the lecture wasn’t too long. April never showed up and ball gowns turned ugly. Somehow we ate lunch and Tuesday is manifesting puss. Relative to the density of agriculture, the police kept sight of the target. Here in 2012 marks any overall luxe. Paraguay now sits on the precipice of disaster and chaos. Still there’s room for one more mistake, so we take efforts in great strides towards destiny. However long the penis lasts is the sure-fire epictition of calamity. None other than the derelict paused at his feet. Correction? Never underestimate the power of negotiation. First things first, the side-ways rant of King Julien may paralysis any summoner to extinction.

Stuck in the Slow Lane

So this drive is taking forever. 5 people, one 5 seater, 60 mph to New York. Of course, being skinny, I end up in the middle. Id love to sleep but I got nothing to lean on. My friend, the only other girl, offered but her shoulder is too low. It's cramped, but it is going to be soooo worth it. Just hope he learns to drive quicker.

Almost 9 Hours Later, The Sims Let Me Go

That was…uncharacteristic of me. I’ve never been able to sit down with one game and play for more than a couple hours, never having an “over-nighter” like some extreme gamers, but this is a new low for me. 9 hours? That’s a ton of time. Thank goodness I wasn’t sleeping well anyway. I just couldn’t bring myself to turn off the computer.

The Sims has been in my life for a long time. I had the Deluxe Edition for the 1^st Sims, and then got the Playstation version. I never got a chance to play the 2^nd edition, but I didn’t mind. I was very content with the game even without the latest upgrades. The Sims 3 came out, and I couldn’t resist. I begged for it as a Christmas gift, and it’s still a favorite. It’s amazing what modern game designers are able to do with one CD. They seem to have thought of everything, apart from natural disasters (there still aren’t any weather changes) and governmental persuasions. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer not having those as factors anyway. To control the lives of multiple people, see them age and advance in their careers and skills, have deep relationships with other sims, and explore a small town without facing multiple loading screens and having to give up on your family, I must say this game is one for the ages. Everyone should try it at least once in their life. There’s plenty for everybody and so much opportunity for personalized game play; it’s ridiculous.

As you can tell, I love it. Simply and surely. I’m not completely sure what came over me last night (lasting until around 4 in the morning), but I just could not leave this alternate reality. There was so much going on.

My family’s baby was growing up, going from infancy to toddlerhood to childhood.

The adopted daughter advanced all the way to Superstar Athlete, level 9 of the Athletic Career, fulfilling her life goal, as well as reaching the maximum level of her athletic skill, being the obsessed young adult she is.

I must have done something right and finally triggered the option for my happy couple, parents of the younger sister, to “Go Steady” and immediately afterwards become engaged having been together for so long and living in the same house. I have no idea why it took so long to let me have them get married. As soon as they both reached their elder years, I had the boyfriend move in since it didn’t look like their relationship was going to change from “Romantic Interest” anytime soon.

The mother, half-daughter, and brother-in-law, who had moved in with his brother because of his connection to the family already, finally learned to work together and produced a wonderful garden of a large selection of plants, ranging from “Very Nice” quality to “Perfect” quality (not an easy feat I might add).

The second level of the house had finally been finished on the house, financed by the four different paychecks of the household. The design was not easy, as I had been trying to keep a small courtyard in the middle for the garden and make it large enough for so may people, as well as making it an apartment style home since many of them were related only by marriage. I am very happy with the final result.

To top it all of, the wedding ceremony took place at the house, and I realized for the first time just how many friends were shared by the couple. It was a crazy house. I had lost count of how many people had come, so trying to entertain them all just became impossible. Of course, it became a mess quickly, and even a small group of people had congregated in the bathroom, making it no longer available to people who actually had to use it.

Right before the exchanging of the rings, before anyone had a chance to stop dancing or eating, a guest randomly passed away right there in the living room, making way for Death to crash the party. The effect was horrific. Everyone went into a state of mourning and fright all at the same time. Even the bride and groom had forgotten why they were there in the first place. As people started to leave, it being a couple hours into the party and bedtimes quickly approaching, the couple went ahead and married themselves, even with Death still lingering a couple feet away. Did anybody notice? I’m pretty sure they didn’t. It was hectic and entertaining nonetheless.

To make matters worse, the Science Facility asked the bride to donate the urn of her friend for an experiment, and she happily obliged. The attempt to revive the body failed, but the ghost had been returned to Earth, and with nowhere to go, joined the family. It would have been alright, if the deceased hadn’t had the personality of a menace. Mean-spirited, nature-hater, an unflirty great kisser, and clumsy, I couldn’t have asked for a worse addition to the family. She doesn’t appear to be a contribution to the household at all. I’m waiting to see how long it will last before I just kick her out of the house, which would be extremely satisfying, and allow the brother-in-law to have his apartment to himself again.

See why I couldn’t drag myself away? I was just having way too much fun. Can you really blame me?

Hopefully, if I can figure this out, I’ll be able to post pictures of the ordeal for anyone who cares to see. I hope you’ll find them as amusing as I did.